Close to Death

Today I felt death. In the morning I took 7 Oxycodone with 6 shots of whiskey. Death has been in my mind for years.. Stupid things I've done for years, but never felt true fear... In the bed I poured blood after blood on the covers leading my mother to cry for days... I still feel it's my fault my dad left for my insanity.. It wasn't him! It was me... You two should be happy.. I miss you.. I miss everything... I lied in bed this morning with my blood pressure as low as possible.. I felt pleasure, but pain.. My mom wasn't home. I passed out which I though was my death. Later I awoke and vomited what I saw as buckets of unfortunate liquid.. I cried as my throat burned and ached.. I just can't write this.. My girlfriend is getting close to someone else.. Should I worry? I love her so much...