Old times.

I look at Nicole and Seamus. They're the happiest couple I know now and it gets me thinking. We were that happy once. I write things on here hoping somehow you'll read this and know that I'm suffering so much and I bet you are too. I think I'm putting so much effort into this and you simply shrug it off like a cold. I know you're going through a tough time, but it's been like that for such a long time. I'm to afraid to ask things of you, cause I'm afraid you'll hate me. Every time I see you unhappy I choke up and think of all the horrible possibilities it might have to do with me. I keep thinking you've found someone else, someone who made you as happy as I once did. Back when we barely knew what life was. When I would kick your chair in Math class and we'd smoke weed after school. We were so relentless, but eventually we became such a cheerful an happy couple. To think it's gotten the way it is. I just wish you would try a little harder. When we had our break I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to pull the trigger or cut an artery. I completely gave up on hope. I never saw a girl during those days like I ever saw you. In fact I was devastated by the thought of even hugging one that wasn't you. Luckily it all turned around and we were back together, but I'm afraid of it turning back. It's not that I don't wanna talk to you it's that I haven slept in days and I knock out for days too. I just hope you can see my side of things and I want to see your side too so I can improve. The truth is that I'm completely head over heels for you and I love you..

Him..

I just worry... I know you talk to him a lot.. I'm just afraid you cheated on me.. I may be intoxicated, but everyday I swear I think about it more and more.. I know him.. You say he's better, but he's just the same thing as Carlos.. I feel that you deep deep inside you like him and I wanna say something, but yet I trust you too much.. I love you I really do.. You mean the whole world to me Brooke... If you saw this I feel you'd hate me, but I just need to let this out somehow.. No one knows about this page and I feel it's therapeutic way to let it out.. I love you so much more then you think....

Paranoia

I woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmare that seemed so real.. So real.. The death of the person that means the whole world to me is just not something to think of, but sadly my over imaginative mind fucks with me. I received a call telling me she was dead. I stole my mothers car without hesitation. I drove at a very fast speed passing the pole my friend crashed into only 2 years ago. My heart racing.. I had to see her.. I arrived at a scene with caution tape surrounding the limp less body that was my Brooke. I ran across the tape where cops tried stopping me. It was all so real.. My heart pounded, tears down my face. I was in shock.. The reality hit me that I have lost the only thing that made me feel truly alive.. I woke up and checked my phone. It was only a dream .. Or an omen? Fuck.

Close to Death

Today I felt death. In the morning I took 7 Oxycodone with 6 shots of whiskey. Death has been in my mind for years.. Stupid things I've done for years, but never felt true fear... In the bed I poured blood after blood on the covers leading my mother to cry for days... I still feel it's my fault my dad left for my insanity.. It wasn't him! It was me... You two should be happy.. I miss you.. I miss everything... I lied in bed this morning with my blood pressure as low as possible.. I felt pleasure, but pain.. My mom wasn't home. I passed out which I though was my death. Later I awoke and vomited what I saw as buckets of unfortunate liquid.. I cried as my throat burned and ached.. I just can't write this.. My girlfriend is getting close to someone else.. Should I worry? I love her so much...

What just happened?

Another intoxicated night, woken up to an alarm next to someone I don't remember. 3 others lie motionless on the floor. Police outside the door wanting to come in. "what could this be?". Open the only to be arrested and taken away with every other person in the house. Murder happened that night... I was suspected.. I didn't do anything. I needed her by my side like she always is..