Paranoia

I woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmare that seemed so real.. So real.. The death of the person that means the whole world to me is just not something to think of, but sadly my over imaginative mind fucks with me. I received a call telling me she was dead. I stole my mothers car without hesitation. I drove at a very fast speed passing the pole my friend crashed into only 2 years ago. My heart racing.. I had to see her.. I arrived at a scene with caution tape surrounding the limp less body that was my Brooke. I ran across the tape where cops tried stopping me. It was all so real.. My heart pounded, tears down my face. I was in shock.. The reality hit me that I have lost the only thing that made me feel truly alive.. I woke up and checked my phone. It was only a dream .. Or an omen? Fuck.

Close to Death

Today I felt death. In the morning I took 7 Oxycodone with 6 shots of whiskey. Death has been in my mind for years.. Stupid things I've done for years, but never felt true fear... In the bed I poured blood after blood on the covers leading my mother to cry for days... I still feel it's my fault my dad left for my insanity.. It wasn't him! It was me... You two should be happy.. I miss you.. I miss everything... I lied in bed this morning with my blood pressure as low as possible.. I felt pleasure, but pain.. My mom wasn't home. I passed out which I though was my death. Later I awoke and vomited what I saw as buckets of unfortunate liquid.. I cried as my throat burned and ached.. I just can't write this.. My girlfriend is getting close to someone else.. Should I worry? I love her so much...

What just happened?

Another intoxicated night, woken up to an alarm next to someone I don't remember. 3 others lie motionless on the floor. Police outside the door wanting to come in. "what could this be?". Open the only to be arrested and taken away with every other person in the house. Murder happened that night... I was suspected.. I didn't do anything. I needed her by my side like she always is..

The love of my life. Brooke.

"I've always thought love was nothing more than a fantasy in my mind, but over the years of complete hysteria I've found you and yet at such a young age, that in my mind I've never imagined dying without you"- Me

Another sleepless night...

The night. It stares me straight in the eyes and obliterates me into pieces.
If I've ever had a weakness I suppose it's sleep and love.
I was thinking. Of this girl. Blonde hair. Lost soul.
Confused. Not good publicly. A girl I met in a peculiar place.
Almost like a better place for her, but then again a hell-hole is never fun.

I remember that white snowy day.
I took.... A glance...
You seemed scared.

Across the room with your black striped skin tight sweater.

I wondered.... Who is she?
She was beautiful.... In grey.

That girl later changed my life.
Left the hell-hole before me.

We got close. She was.... Something else.
Played that acoustic guitar with small hands.

I remember the day she got blood all over her new sweatshirt.
Haha.

Good memories.....

She's gone now...
In a far off distance.

If she was ever to see this...
Yes, it's me. I miss you.
Contact me?

Oh... That fuckin word. "oh". Always overused.
Haha.

Another sleepless night.

I wanna give up...

I don't wanna love....
I don't want another break...
 I don't want to see another guy with his arms around you....
I've given her so many chances, but it never changes....
The other day at the fair.... I couldn't handle it anymore.....
I tried to jump in front of a truck.... The driver braked... I was knocked over with only a bruise on my hip...
I ran after the accident back to the fair.... Making excuses to go back to the darkest spots and smoke till I couldn't feel any air.... 40 to 5... In one day....
The blood I promised never to drip again.....
The sheets of my bed have never been so red....
Thrown to the back of the closet that no one ever goes in...
I love her... I shouldn't...
I've been warned so many fucking times....
Why don't I fucking listen....?
I'll be with the ever lasting darkness soon....

Love and anxiety. Terrible chemistry.

I've found the girl I have a true feeling for. Through ups and downs it's finally settle between me and her, but nothing can ever be perfect in my mind with all the fucking anxiety that haunts me about the possibility's of past events occurring again and bringing me to my demise again. I love her. I can't say it enough. I truly do.. Is it bad? Is it good? I find the feeling intoxicating. Fuck...