New Girl

There was something about you.

I was curious.

I.. I wanted to know you.

You seemed hurt, but you wore a mask of pure silver and gold. 

Across the lunch room you sat.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage maybe a chance to come along to have a nice conversation with you. 

You sat down at our lunch table today.

You seemed scared, but curious about us.

You say quietly, but we knew there was more to you.

I thought "She wears a mask, but under every mask is a beautiful individual ready to come out and learn". 

Two months later we're closer then ever.

It's almost as you prefer me from your friends. 

A cute couple relationship where you know you're falling, but scared I won't catch you.

Once you see what I've done to you're life you'll think back how I helped you up and brung you to success. 

I know you won't be mine, but when I disappear which I tend to do you'll be alone and hopefully you won't fall to old habits.

I'm anything you want me to be.

Almost as a punching bag, but one that won't ever leave or give in to all your pain. 

Truth is...

I'm scared to get close and so are you, but we keep getting closer and closer.

Everything we had is gone..

What happened to this? We were so perfect.. Why did we end up so bad? I loved you so much... You were all I ever wanted... I wasn't enough for you anymore, right? I was "boring", I "changed". I don't wanna grow old without you Brooke... What if we never get back together? What happened with all our plans for the future..? I don't want to cry every night knowing tomorrow I won't get a hug and kiss from you.. I miss you.. You meant literly everything. You said I was your everything.. You were my girl Brooke.. I wanted the best for you.. I met almost everyone dear to you.. I lay here pathetic in my own tears.. We broke up in that spot we once went to spend time alone, that spot where you told me you loved me, the spot were we hugged for hours.. You left me there in ruins.. I cried for hours.. I always there for you.. I've never felt so empty inside. You took my head when you climbed those stairs away from me.. To think you saw me cry.. It was awful.. I love you Brooke.. Hopefully it all works out for you... I'm always here for you.. I really hope you remain happy and live your life the way you want it to.. Be safe please.. I'm going away for a while. It's not your fault.. I've been suicidal my whole life.. Hopefully I'll make I through, but I asked Nicole to keep you safe. Please listen to her.. Goodbye babe. I'll always love you..

Is this it...?

I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong. I'm sorry for all the times I didn't text back, but most of all I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you... Today I felt horrible after you turned away in disgust.. I shed those pathetic tears for what seems like the hundredth time.. I do pay attention to you.. I do understand what you say... Tomorrow might be the end of something that was once so beautiful.. To think it got like this makes me fall to my knees.. I hope it turns out well, but in the back of my head I think it'll just finish... I don't wanna face reality. I was gonna tell you I'm leaving again this week, but it seems there's no need for that now.. Seamus will know, but hey, it's a chance for you not to see me. You won't have to worry. I won't be here for long.. I might never come back.. And honestly I think it's for the best.. The sad truth is I'll never forget you and the remainder times I'll see you will poke holes in my heart which will eventually turn dark and I'll become everything I once hated... Why can't we just fucking go back to 7th grade! What happened back then? Why did we click so well? We were amazing together! Why did it turn to this?! Just fucking why.. I fucking love you.. So much...

Old times.

I look at Nicole and Seamus. They're the happiest couple I know now and it gets me thinking. We were that happy once. I write things on here hoping somehow you'll read this and know that I'm suffering so much and I bet you are too. I think I'm putting so much effort into this and you simply shrug it off like a cold. I know you're going through a tough time, but it's been like that for such a long time. I'm to afraid to ask things of you, cause I'm afraid you'll hate me. Every time I see you unhappy I choke up and think of all the horrible possibilities it might have to do with me. I keep thinking you've found someone else, someone who made you as happy as I once did. Back when we barely knew what life was. When I would kick your chair in Math class and we'd smoke weed after school. We were so relentless, but eventually we became such a cheerful an happy couple. To think it's gotten the way it is. I just wish you would try a little harder. When we had our break I thought it was the end of the world. I wanted to pull the trigger or cut an artery. I completely gave up on hope. I never saw a girl during those days like I ever saw you. In fact I was devastated by the thought of even hugging one that wasn't you. Luckily it all turned around and we were back together, but I'm afraid of it turning back. It's not that I don't wanna talk to you it's that I haven slept in days and I knock out for days too. I just hope you can see my side of things and I want to see your side too so I can improve. The truth is that I'm completely head over heels for you and I love you..

Him..

I just worry... I know you talk to him a lot.. I'm just afraid you cheated on me.. I may be intoxicated, but everyday I swear I think about it more and more.. I know him.. You say he's better, but he's just the same thing as Carlos.. I feel that you deep deep inside you like him and I wanna say something, but yet I trust you too much.. I love you I really do.. You mean the whole world to me Brooke... If you saw this I feel you'd hate me, but I just need to let this out somehow.. No one knows about this page and I feel it's therapeutic way to let it out.. I love you so much more then you think....

Paranoia

I woke up in a cold sweat. The nightmare that seemed so real.. So real.. The death of the person that means the whole world to me is just not something to think of, but sadly my over imaginative mind fucks with me. I received a call telling me she was dead. I stole my mothers car without hesitation. I drove at a very fast speed passing the pole my friend crashed into only 2 years ago. My heart racing.. I had to see her.. I arrived at a scene with caution tape surrounding the limp less body that was my Brooke. I ran across the tape where cops tried stopping me. It was all so real.. My heart pounded, tears down my face. I was in shock.. The reality hit me that I have lost the only thing that made me feel truly alive.. I woke up and checked my phone. It was only a dream .. Or an omen? Fuck.

Close to Death

Today I felt death. In the morning I took 7 Oxycodone with 6 shots of whiskey. Death has been in my mind for years.. Stupid things I've done for years, but never felt true fear... In the bed I poured blood after blood on the covers leading my mother to cry for days... I still feel it's my fault my dad left for my insanity.. It wasn't him! It was me... You two should be happy.. I miss you.. I miss everything... I lied in bed this morning with my blood pressure as low as possible.. I felt pleasure, but pain.. My mom wasn't home. I passed out which I though was my death. Later I awoke and vomited what I saw as buckets of unfortunate liquid.. I cried as my throat burned and ached.. I just can't write this.. My girlfriend is getting close to someone else.. Should I worry? I love her so much...